Today has not been a good day.
It started off with me getting only 2 hours of sleep. But then after that, I found out I'm a disappointment to my wife, and probably also one to my kids.
The problem is, I know it. I suck, royally. I can't get this thing called "life" right, it seems. If something is going good, I always find a way to make it bad. And I hate it that I can do nothing about the situation. Or at least that's the way I feel.
Thing is, I get comfortable, I make mistakes. And the more comfortable I am, the bigger the mistakes tend to be. I really feel like an idiot when I forget important dates, and disappoint my wife. Or when I could simply do what I know needs to be done, but I don't do it, because I'm lazy, or preoccupied, or whatever. It's like I stop thinking, and just let myself forget all that I've done to get me to where I was.
Right now, I suppose you could say that I hate myself, at least somewhat.
I wish I could be someone else, because I don't really like who I am now. GOD! I need to be done with this life and move on to something where I can't screw it all up...
Maybe this is just the lack of sleep talking, but right now, I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. Maybe it'd be better for everyone involved if it ended like that.
So, I guess, I really asking anyone and everyone who reads this to pray for me. Heap upon me your prayers, and help me to recognize an answer, because I honestly don't know if I can keep praying. I'm apparently not asking for the right things.
GOD, please, PLEASE! I'm sick of who I am! I'm worthless, and I have no idea what you could possibly see as worthy in me! I've become a useless thing, taking up space even in my own life! I've almost given up on fighting, because fighting only leaves me hurt... I'm sick, and I'm broken, and I'm wounded, and I'm scared... I'm finished. Make me, mold me, form me, break me down and build me up again!
(((((((((((((((ERIC)))))))) There seems to come into all of our lives a time where we seem to be doing everything wrong. The people we love, we seem to disappoint and even ourselves we disappoint. Believe me, I have been there many times. But I am here to tell you , not just because you are my son but because it is the gospel truth.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful son. You have helped me so much and I am so thankful for that. You alwasy build me up which I appreciate so much.
You are a great husband. There are few women who have the priviledge of staying home with thier kids these days and yet Kim is able to do that because of your hard work. I know that you dont just work, but that you also help her with the house and the cooking and the kids. When I was home with you kids and didnt work, your Dad, bless his heart, did not much around the house. I cooked and cleaned and did all the care of you kids. Dont belittle yourself on being a husband. At least that is how I see it looking in.
You are a great father. FEW, and I mean FEW kids get treated with such respect and love as you treat Faith and Joe. And I have had other people comment on that to me about your fathering skills.
Now I have no idea what has thrown you into this heap of dispare. I am quite sure that that author if this is the old devil himself.
I am praying for you. I am praying that God will wrap his arms of love and comfort around you and let you see yourself as he sees you and others see you.
OH,, as for the job. You have been on that job a long time. They seem to respect you there. So dont diss yourself about work either.
Oh Eric, I wich I could come with a huge eraser of hope, love and encouragement and erase all those negative emotions you are experiencing.
Perhaps it is high time that you and Kim have a permanent date nite a week. And then be so transperent and truthful with each other even if it hurts.
I love you Eric
Mom
Oh Eric...I am just crying for you. My heart aches for my little brother. I know how it is to despise yourself, and I know it can be almost impossible to hear the truth when we are in the depths of despair. But, the truth is that you are NOT worthless. You are PRICELESS! You are a human, yes. And not a single one of us humnans is perfect. Not a single one of us always has our game on. We all get comfortable. But right, here, where you are aware that you have done this, puts you heads and tails above most. Most people just wander through life oblivious to their faults, not caring to better themselves, but you? You soul search and examine yourself with a very fine toothed comb, and allow yourself to see and admit that which doesn't please you or those you love or God. THAT is honorable, and THAT is what makes you priceless. Change is sooo hard. And almost never permanent. But you are striving, and, in my eyes at least, that is one of the things that sets you apart and makes you a man that I am PROUD to call my brother. I love you Eric, and I will be prayihg for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Tonja